Jacob's Story

 In late October of 2011 I found out that I was going to be a mommy for the first time. I was filled with so many emotions, so scared. How was I going to do this? Even though I was 25, I still felt like a child. No where close to being a "grown up". Still at home with my parents. But, with the love and support of my parents they showed me I could do it, that I could handle it. My pregnancy with Jacob wasn't exactly a walk in the park. A lot of things went on during the 8 months I was pregnant with him. But finally 3 weeks early, it was time to meet the love of my life for the very first time! June 3, 2012 at 12:35 pm my son Hunter Jacob Matthew Durrett was born. And it was literally the most beautiful moment. I heard him crying before I saw him, due to a emergency c section. But my beautiful baby boy was here! His little scrunched up face, 10 fingers, 10 toes, and looking just like my father! Suddenly life made more sense to me, I finally knew my purpose. Over the next 13 months I got the honor of watching Jacob grow into such a funny little guy. I would look at him in awe, in disbelief that he came from me. I tried so very hard to make sure Jacob knew how loved he was. And the joy he brought the whole family. He brought us back together. And I swear this child was a magnet! Strangers would come up to me and tell me how beautiful he was, and that he had a sparkle in those blue eyes. And finally his first birthday! What a special day! I was so proud! We made it! It was so much fun to watch him learn all the new things he was doing. Little did I know, 1 month and 4 days later it would all be ripped from me. On the morning of July 7th, 2013, I awoke at around 5:30 am. Jacob always slept with me, he hated his crib. He would always hold on to me in his sleep and lay right next to me. When I woke up he wasn't right beside me as usual.  He had turned and his feet were towards the middle of my back. I knew as soon as grabbed his leg, I knew he was gone. He had been gone for hours. I remember everything so vividly, the ride to the hospital trying to hold on to hope that he would just breathe. Then arriving at the hospital and having the Doctor ask for permission to stop. From that moment on it was like being stuck in a nightmare. I wasn't aloud to be alone with my son, I wasn't aloud to touch my son. I had the staff watching me. I had suddenly been thrown into a whole new world that there was no escaping, no explanation, just emptiness, confusion, and guilt. Was this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did he eat something he shouldn't have? And while all this is running through my mind, I finally was aloud to touch and hold my son. He was wrapped in a white sheet, and I rocked him. I made up this song called the stinker butt song and he always loved it. So I rocked my baby and sang to him. One last time. My mom was finally released by the cops to come get me. When she got there I asked if we could have a moment alone with him. It was denied and the Doctor proceeded to try to put my son in a body bag in front of me. The very next day my Grandpa passed away. He loved Jacob so much. That even though I lost my Grandpa, I knew he had went to be with Jacob. My whole life was spiraling out of control. I couldn't breathe. In 24 hours time I lost 2 people that meant the most to me. Going through the wake and the funeral was a blur. But A week later the funeral home called and said I could come get my sons ashes. Even though it was heart wrenching I was happy to have my baby back home with me. He now sits on a shelf full of his pictures and looks over everyone, including his little sister. In February of 2014 I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I was so lost. How was I gonna do this. What if it happens again? Will I love her like I loved my son? Am I even able to love again? And honestly, I was. I am so beyond thankful for my daughter. She truly saved my life. She gave me a reason to live again. In the time since I lost my son, and since having my daughter, the grief is still there. There were days that I honestly didn't know if by the end of the day if I would still be alive. There were days when all I did was cry and scream. There were days when I really just felt nothing, and then there were days when I felt everything. But I kept trying, I had to try for my son. And now I try for my son and my daughter. I still have bad days. I still cry a lot. But I still keep trying. I will always keep my sons memory alive, that's how I carry him with me. That's how his little sister will know her sweet, silly, big brother in heaven. Please keep going, scream if you need too. Cry if you need too, break things if you need too. And when you're ready, talk about it. I can't stress that enough. I miss my son, I miss hearing him laugh, and cry. And I would give my life in a heartbeat to bring him back. And I know I will always miss him and wonder what he would have been like as a child, a teenager, a man, and a parent. I am so thankful I got those sweet 13 months with my baby. I know a lot of parents don't get that chance. Thank you for reading our story.